Yeah, so, I have been lost in thought for the past few days. Funny thing is, I decided to play with the Zen Tarrot cards and the silence card and the nothingness cards came into play. Both are about being within ones self, dealing with change, and preparing for some big transformation or event in life. So, perhaps I am having some inner crisis I don't realize I'm having bc I haven't focussed enough on the source, which was another card.
Yes, there has been some changes. I let go of a 3 year relationship, though we are still freinds. This has never happened before. So, it is an uncharted path for me. I also have taken on new responsibilities at work and let one go. Again, new territory. None the less, maybe I have had more stress than I am willing to admit. But I really don't feel bad mentally, physically, or emotionally that I can tell so I am a bit confused by my own need for deep pondering. Now, for the real subject.
It all began with the lockdown at school. Many people in my life pointed out that I did not respond normally. So, I started thinking about how desensatized I am to some of the dangers around me. How it is natural for me to jump between 2 kids who are choosing to fight never knowing if there is a weapon. Truth be told, I believe there are weapons there every day. So why, in that moment, do I go all protective of them and not of me. This led to thoughts about death, God and the afterlife. Which then led to thoughts of religion and the statement: Religion is the crutch of the masses.
So, why is it that as rational beings do we(yes I said we) are willing to believe far fetched things in order to be a part of a religion. I think I have come to the conclusion that it is simply a large illusion we create for different reasons and it isn't just religion(thus the we). We are really alone in many ways. We create situations in our lives in order to find ways to cope.
It would have been much easier to accept the death of CJ had I been able to believe that one day when I die, she would be chillin out with a Red Stripe saying, Where the hell have you been? Well, without the hell I guess. But it is harder to believe that the last time I saw her, was the last time I ever will.
Quick sidebar: I do believe in some form of after life. But it isn't conventional and it has more to do with the energy of the spirit than pearly gates.
It is easier to believe that all bad things that happen and good things that happen to us in life are part of this master plan that we couldn't possibly be bright enough to understand than it is to believe that there is cause and effect. I mean, I have had some bad things happen in my world. They weren't always my fault but they were the effect of choices made. Whether it was my choice or someone elses that effected me negatively. For the most part, it is easier to look to God and say it is his will that I live and work in Montgomery than it is to look within myself and say, I have just not put forth enough effort to get a position elsewhere bc I am comfortable in the environment and I fear change. But if you or I do this, we fail to grow. If we trade off our accomplishments as blessings then we are able to trade our failures as trials. If we do this, I don't think we take enough responsibility for ourselves and we also don't give ourselves enough credit for the things we work hard to have. It seems to me that we create our illusion bc reality, when bad is too hard to bear and when it is good, we are accused by society of being cocky or self centered.
But truthfully, if I own that I am a big girl, shouldn't I be able to own that I am flipping brilliant?
So, the moral of the story is that we all create illusions to get by and we are willing to sacrifice the best of us in order to have a scapegoat for our weaknesses. I really hold no blame to the people who believe these things. Often times, especially bad times, I wish I could borrow a crutch for a while and not have to accept hard truths with no safety net. but then I remember that with the hard things comes growth and the growth leads to better things. I guess it all works out in the end. Unless, in the end I go to Hell. Guess if that happens, I will be kicking myself for at least not aking the insurance policy believer route. :)
This is really random and all over the place. Sorry about that. I never said my thoughts were going to come out well.
